Don’t kid yourself: Most people don’t really like to read career advice. They do so because so many Americans are unhappy in their jobs. Although maybe career advice, at this point, is just rubbing our nose in it?
And yet, we often relish break-up songs, especially when we are in the throes of the thing, even though they often contain many of the same miserable feelings we have when we are dejected at work!
I’ve had several coaching conversations over the past few weeks with people mired in sadness because they feel that they owe it to their employer, colleagues, or themselves to make a bigger or better effort. They are filled with an exhausting mix of guilt, grief, and anxiety about what to do.
When in doubt, popular music can be a good place to turn to.
I get that society continues to let us wallow in the loss of romantic and other kinds of love, but still gets a bit cheap when it comes to work loss. While “Take This Job and Shove It” or “9 to 5” hold their place as angry job-leaving anthems, many of the people I engage are mourning what didn’t quite turn out right.
So, in career conversations, I’ve decided to just roll with it, and make this post easy on you, if you happen to be one of those crestfallen folks who are unhappy in their work, but who would rather listen to break-up songs.
That’s right. We’re going to be analyzing the lyrics of five break-up songs, and drawing incisive, and yet thoroughly engaging and readable, career lessons from them (or so we think). Please keep your box of tissues nearby.
“I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind /
You could have done better but I don't mind /
You just kinda wasted my precious time /
But don't think twice, it's all right.”
—"Don’t Think Twice It’s Alright,” Bob Dylan, 1963
This is a song about recognizing that once the relationship is over, that’s it. It’s all over. Ultimately, there is no point in holding grudges. So, ironically, it’s also about the value of doing some intentional reflection before and after the end of your time with an employer.
Is there something they could be doing that they’re not? Have you given them the chance to make amends, and they’ve proven that they can’t do it? Well then, good. Because once it’s done, there’s no point thinking twice.
I’ve chosen to focus on break-up songs in this post, because often, people feel guilty about breaking up with their jobs, just the same way they might feel a sense of guilt about leaving a relationship. And I’m not writing about the tactical decision to stay for financial reasons.
People feel loyal to their employers, to the company, maybe to a boss, or a set of colleagues, or even, people they manage, wondering how they might cope in their absence. They might feel loyal to a particular field they might have worked in for a long period of time.
But the truth is, if you’re being treated badly, and you’ve done everything you can to mitigate the situation, well, there’s no need to feel guilty about moving on. Like the man said, “It’s alright.” In fact, convincing yourself that it’s going to get better when there has been zero proof to that effect is one of the worst things that we do to ourselves. Nothing is as abusive to our well-being than the groundless notion that things will just get better with no prior reason to believe it, other than hope.
“It took all the strength I had not to fall apart /
Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart /
And I spent oh so many nights just feeling sorry for myself /
I used to cry /
Now I hold my head up high.”
—"I Will Survive”, Gloria Gaynor, 1978
This is a song about the value of moving on, in comparison to that horrible condition you find yourself in when you’re contorting yourself to fit into a situation that’s just not right for you.
I had a conversation with a man recently who was expressing guilt about leaving his employer. He’d been with one employer for ten years, and another, the current one, for going on three years, but he was realizing he was having some similar issues in the new job to the one he’d had before.
When I talked to him, I asked him what he had done differently in this job, from the last one. How had he gone in, applying the muscle memory he may have learned from his last situation, to this one, so that he doesn’t have another six years in this miserable situation? Furthermore, what does he need to be on the lookout for when looking for a next job so that he breaks the cycle of disappointing employers?
The reason I talk about survival, in this context, is that taking the next job isn’t about finding the perfect thing. It’s about being happier. It’s not about the magical job that will make everything great, it’s the notion of the gradual shift.
Many seasons watching “The Walking Dead” has taught me that you must learn from your prior mistakes. Surviving, and holding your head up high, is about being self-aware and deciding that you deserve and can have a better work situation.
There is a percentage of my readers who believe that work is meant to cause you suffering, and that people need to “suck it up,” but I couldn’t disagree more. It’s a pity that they have bought into a philosophy taught by unhappy people.
“It must have been love, but it's over now. /
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow.”
—"It Must Have Been Love,” Roxette, 1990.
Many of us begin our jobs in a honeymoon period, but soon, we move into a second phase, and then, a third. The question is, how do we adapt to falling out of infatuation and into a deeper understanding, with our jobs? What are you prepared to sacrifice in order to have a long-term thing? What are your red lines?
Sometimes there isn’t enough opportunity for growth, pay, or leadership. You may have in mind what you want work to be, and your work has stopped being exciting or giving you the opportunity to learn.
When you’re looking at making your next move, it’s worth doing some intentional reflection, or career coaching, around what you can and can’t give up. Otherwise, you may find yourself just repeating your same mistakes. Nothing is perfect, there is always going to be a honeymoon phase. The question is, how long does it last, and how much does being in a lengthier relationship matter to you?
"Bittersweet memories / that is all I'm taking with me. /
So goodbye. Please don't cry. /
We both know I'm not what you need.”
—"I Will Always Love You,” Whitney Houston, 1992, albeit written by Dolly Parton 1973.
Other times, it might be about an organization realizing that as it is growing that you may not be the right fit. From an employers’ perspective, this can be a shift in strategies where your skills no longer fit, or a culture change has put you off. Like a dating relationship, we have choices about who gets our labor. But actually, one of the things to think about when you’re thinking about your exit strategy is who you want to be in its conclusion. How do you manage the bluster and frustration, versus your other feelings?
It can be about your references, but it might also be about the long-term way you want or need to be remembered.
"You tell me that you need me then you go and cut me down. /
But wait, you tell me that you're sorry. /
Didn't think I'd turn around and say /
that it's too late to apologize. It's too late.”
—“Apologize”, One Republic & Timbaland, 2006
One of the most disheartening conversations I regularly have is with people who are in regular conversations with their employer, who gives them mixed messages about their value and standing within the company. Frequently, a dashing stranger (otherwise known as a potentially nicer employer) sees their value and offers a better opportunity.
Why is it exactly that this person should have loyalty to their current employer? Simply said, some things aren’t going to change at work, and there’s a time where your employer saying sorry is no longer sufficient to make amends. It isn’t about the employer reacting to your loss because someone wants to poach you, but rather it’s about your employer making the case every day that they appreciate what you bring. I’ve lost track, for example, of people I’ve coached who have said that their employers apologized for a problem, repeatedly, but didn’t put in any of the resources to fix it.
I have no expectation that pop confections about the ending of romantic relationship will solve everything, but there is a loss that happens when work relationships end, and if music can get you through the worst, then so be it!
It can get better if you get yourself the support you need, and if you have the courage to not settle for something that is making you unhappy for dozens of hours a week.
If you do the work, before too long, we can share a more optimistic playlist!
—Russ Finkelstein [linkedin.com] is the opposite of your High School Guidance Counselor. A career coach, social entrepreneur, and advisor to founders, he is currently the Director of Coaching with the Roddenberry Fellowship and a Coach-in-Residence with StartingBloc Fellowship. He was a founder of the noted careers website Idealist.org and was chosen as a Generation Z & LGBTQ Influencer by LinkedIn.
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